A New Way to See Behavior
When kids act out or seem overwhelmed by their emotions, it’s natural to feel frustrated and uncertain about how to respond. But what if, instead of seeing behavior as something to fix, we looked at it as valuable data? It could be a clue about what might be happening inside. This post is meant to be a “software update” for how we approach our kids’—and all humans’—behaviors. It’s a reset to help us shift from managing behavior to truly understanding it. I’m right here with you as we take this step together. Rethinking behavior means moving away from labels like “bad” or “good” to seeing behaviors as meaningful clues about our kids’ needs.
Relational Neurobiology: Our New Lens
Relational neurobiology might sound like a complex term. However, at its heart, it’s about what makes us relational, social, and connected beings.
Leading experts like Dr. Dan Siegel, Dr. Stephen Porges, and Dr. Bruce Perry have shown us how important emotional safety and connection are for healthy development. Therapist Robyn Gobbel, LCSW, brings this research into the world of caregiving. She helps us understand that how we respond to behavior shapes a child’s sense of safety, ability to regulate emotions, and self-worth.
When we embrace relational neurobiology, we start seeing big, challenging behaviors—like defiance or meltdowns—as messages from the nervous system. Our kids are trying to tell us something. When we pause and try to understand, we help them feel seen, safe, and understood. Rethinking behavior can strengthen these connections.
Why Update How We See Behavior?
This update isn’t always easy, especially when behaviors challenge us. Many of us were raised by caregivers with a totally different understanding of behavior. However, it’s one of the most important updates you can make in raising young people. In her free e-book, Focus on the Nervous System to Change Behavior, Robyn Gobbel gives us four reasons why:
1. Behavior as a Window into Unmet Needs
Relational neurobiology teaches us that behavior often signals a deeper need. This could be for connection, regulation, or simply feeling safe.
When big emotions lead to big behaviors, it’s the nervous system’s way of saying, “I need help!” Instead of feeling pressure to “fix” the behavior, we can [briefly] pause and ask ourselves, “What does my child need right now?” This one small shift can open up a world of possibilities for supporting our kids in meaningful ways. Rethinking behavior helps us see this.
2. Solving the Real Problem Instead of Playing Whack-a-Mole
Sometimes it feels like we’re playing “whack-a-mole” with behavior. We try to stop one behavior only to have another pop up somewhere else.
Gobbel explains that traditional methods like rewards and punishments often miss the heart of the issue. Worse, they can send unintentional messages like, “your needs don’t matter” or “I’m not really seeing you.” This can be especially tough for kids who are neurodivergent or have experienced trauma.
Instead, when we look beneath the behavior, we can address the real need. This creates deeper connection and safety.
3. “Changing How We See People Changes People”
Gobbel reminds us, “Changing how we see people changes people.” This is a powerful reminder that our kids often mirror how we view them.
When we see behavior with compassion and curiosity, we create space for kids to feel valued and understood. Instead of jumping to correct behavior, we can shift to curiosity and ask, “I see you’re struggling right now—what’s going on?”
This shift can be a game-changer. It lets kids know they’re precious and valued, no matter what they’re going through. They will internalize this belief about themselves. Rethinking behavior in this way can have profound effects.
4. Clarity, Confidence, and Connection
As we look beyond behavior and focus on needs, we gain clarity and confidence in supporting our kids. Gobbel says it beautifully: “Regulated, connected kids who feel safe do well.”
When we prioritize connection over correction, we help our kids build resilience. Over time, they feel safer and more secure in their relationships. Rethinking behavior nurtures this connection.
Reflection Questions for You
- How do you typically respond when your child has big emotions or challenging behavior?
- How do you think this “software update” might help shift your response in these moments?
- What do you notice in your own body and nervous system when your child is “misbehaving”?
Final Thoughts
Parenting is hard work, and none of this comes naturally or easily. However, by rethinking behavior and seeing it as a reflection of internal needs, we can make a big difference in our kids’ lives.
I hope this “update” brings you closer to your child, builds your confidence, and helps you feel connected to a community of caregivers who are right here alongside you on this journey.
Coming Next: The Window of Tolerance
In the next post, we’ll explore the concept of the Window of Tolerance. This tool helps us understand and respond to stress levels in both our kids and ourselves. Knowing where our child—and we—are in this “window” can guide us in supporting them effectively. Stay tuned!
